the shadow of death

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. ~ Psalm 147:3

When my father fell ill and passed away, I was angry, confused, lost, and heartbroken. I just wanted to know, "Why him?" I became angry with God and the world; I blamed everything and everyone for all the pain he endured and all the suffering he went through. All I wanted to know was, "Why him? Why me? Why us?"

Why did my father suffer so much? He did everything a man is supposed to do in life. He worked hard to provide for his family, he loved his family, and he helped anyone who asked and even those who didn't. He was a good friend to those who knew him, he gave everything he had of himself for those he loved, and he never complained. He went to church, he loved God and all the blessings God had given him. He always made sure that no one ever knew if he was hurt or angry. He was forgiving and kind. But in the end, he suffered more than I felt he deserved to suffer before he died. I kept asking myself why -- why, would God allow him to suffer so much? He was a good man; he was one of the best that ever lived. Why must a good person go through so much pain?

People would come up to me and say, "He is in a better place." I would respond, "What place could be better than being with his family?" They would say, "He is not suffering anymore." I would say, "He didn't deserve to suffer." I had a response for everything. I didn't know what to feel or how to feel. I couldn't bring myself to understand why he had to leave me.

One day my mother came to me and as we spoke I started to tell her how I felt about losing my father. She told me this: "We need to trust in the Lord. The Lord gives and the Lord takes, but he has never abandoned us." It was hard for me because I saw how strong she was, even though she missed him, loved him, and needed him. Her faith in the Lord gave her the strength to know that everything was going to be okay. She helped me to understand that the Lord did not make my father suffer. Instead, He eased his pain by welcoming him home.

That was when I decided to turn things around and work on starting a new relationship with the Lord. I started to go to church again, I started to pray, and I started to ask the Lord to help me and guide me in my life. I asked the Lord to forgive me for being so selfish. As I grew closer to the Lord, I read a few passages that helped me. My two favorites are To him who overcomes I will give the right to sit with Me on My throne, just as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne (Revelation 3:21) and Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of all of them (Psalm 34:19). These passages showed me that my father is where he needs to be -- with the Lord.

~ Judy Fernandez